I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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