Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
FUCK WHALES
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
