im having a threesome with these popsicles
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
