You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize