When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
