the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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