cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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