The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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