He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
