cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Randomize
