I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
