dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
