when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
