Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
