OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
