are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
