Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.