That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Did I show you my penis last night?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store