I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
