When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
