she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
