Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
