I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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