I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
