Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
