Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I look better un-naked...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
