mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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