I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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