I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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