Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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