Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
