There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
