I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
