just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
