Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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