Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
