when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
