Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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