perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
