Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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