I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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