in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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