Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
