so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
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