woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
