Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
