I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
