It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
