I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
try to milk me bitch
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
