you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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