That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
