we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
