can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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