I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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