and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
