you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
