so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
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thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
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There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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