What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
