Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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