i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
What a dumb baby whore.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
