Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
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