my room smells like sperm. sweet.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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